Another one bites the dust!

I worked in Miami that day. This means I was up by 5:30 am and not home until after dark. I get home about 7:30 pm I guess. Per my normal getting home from Miami routine I enter my apartment, kick off my shoes while telling Zach and Stella hello (my cats), go into my room, start getting changed into my PJs; so I can finally relax after a long day. This all goes to plan until I went to walk out of my room.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I screamed at the top of my lungs. It was the biggest lizard I've seen in my apartment. It was in the doorway to my bedroom. When I realized I could have stepped on it when I entered my room I screamed again!

I can handle a lot of things, but lizards are not one of them. They are just snakes with legs.

I'm starting to panic. What do I do? It's not moving! I decide to call my support group at this point. I call Kim (a friend who lives 8.7 miles away) and Jeanne (a friend who lives in Miami). I am pacing back and forth relaying my plight to them. Kim laughs and is of no help. She tells me to just pick it up and throw it outside. Hello?!?! Pick it up???? I shudder at that thought.

Jeanne, a little more helpful suggests I find out if the disgusting thing is dead or alive. This whole time it hasn't moved. I grab the broom and poke it with the handle. Its head moves up! Another scream. Since the lizard hasn't moved Jeanne suggests it is dead. I poke it again. Its head moves up again! At this point, Jeanne and I agree it has to be dead and the head movement is a reflex rigor mortis reaction of sorts.

As she's trying to walk me through how to get the lizard out of my house, I get a bout of hysteria. Jeanne suggests I call a friend who lives near by. This is a man's job! I text my friend John, but he's at work. No help there. I call Kim again who tells me she won't drive over and save me. She's so mean. I told her I'd save her from her biggest fear (cockroaches). Still a no go.

I grab a flashlight and start shining it in the lizard's face. It still doesn't move. Yep, definitely dead. I call Jeanne again, as she's the only helpful person thus far. We devise a plan of me sweeping the lizard onto something and then throwing it away outside. No touching involved.

I find an old calendar that I haven't thrown away. I couldn't tell you why I saved a calendar from 2007. I guess I figured I'd need it one day (go me!). As I go to sweep the Godzilla creature to the calendar it raises from the dead and started RUNNING in my hallway.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zach started chasing it!

NO STOP IT NO AAAAAAAAAAA STOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!

I grab Zach and Stella and throw them into the bathroom. I slam the bedroom door and trap the monster in the hallway with TV trays. I inform Jeanne that the lizard is not dead: We need a new plan. She tells me that she'll come over when she's finished at work but that will take a couple hours, John wouldn't get off for a couple of hours, and Kim still wouldn't help. I was on my own. Me vs lizard. I'm figure this is my Iguana Karma from cutting off the iguana's tail with my truck (read last blog if you missed that story).

Now I have to devise a new plan :( Have I mentioned that I hate lizards? After much contemplating, screaming, crying, and begging for someone to come help me I knew what I had to do.

In my pantry I found Zach's baby litter box. It's about the size of a sheet of paper but with depth of course. I also found an old bathroom rug and packing tape. Again, items I didn't use, but saved for whatever reason.

In my greatest moment of bravery I threw the litter box over the lizard! I got him on the first try only through divine assistance because we all know how good my hand/eye coordination is.

The lizard starts to rustle around under the box causing it to move. I leap into action! I force the litter box down, I slide the calendar under the box to provide a "bottom" to the container. I use packing tape to tape the box edges to the calendar. I then slide the calendar onto the bathroom rug, wrap the rug around the litter box, and packing tape the rug close. Tada! One Christmas present wrapped lizard.

With all my courage I grab the rug wrapped litter box and run out the door of my apartment. We have a row of community garbage cans. I made a bee line for them. I feel the lizard crashing around in my make-shift lizard trap. Ewwww! I open the garbage can, throw in the lizard, and slam the lid shut. I still hear the blasted thing moving around. I ran back into my apartment, collapsed on my couch, and called Jeanne. I'm sweating, panting, and terrified there are more lizards in my place. I tell her that I have captured the lizard and threw it away!

I profusely thank her for her moral support. She's relieved that I survived the horrific ordeal. I call Kim and tell her thanks for nothing. I text John and tell him problem solved. It only took about 2 hours! I search the rest of the apartment and find not more snakes with legs. I finally calm down enough to go to shower and go to bed. All that night I had "A Tall Tale Heart" dreams about lizards in garbage cans.

2 lizards down, about a billion to go!

Overpopulated? Let Chrissy Help!

A few months ago, my friend and I were driving on Dixie Highway down here is South Florida. We were searching for a used furniture store. I had just moved into my new apartment and was hoping to find inexpensive furniture, as I had none.

I was driving my truck and she was in the passenger seat. This section of Dixie is two lanes with the turn lane in the middle. As I was driving I was distracted by something sitting in the turn lane. It took a few moments for my brain to processes that it was an iguana. Iguanas are very overpopulated in South Florida. In fact my county is trying to pass an ordinance in which people who purchase iguanas have to pay a $100 license fee to discourage the whimsical purchase of a lizard. Since it rarely gets below 60 degrees down here, there isn't much that will naturally kill these huge lizards, but I digress.

Okay where was I? Oh yes, I had just determined that the large thing in the middle turn lane was a lizard. It had to be 3 to 4 feet long with its body and tail. I am thinking to myself "I hope this thing doesn't run in front of my truck." Almost simultaneously my friend, Kim, states "Oh look at the pretty lizard." At that instance, the stupid iguana runs out in front of my truck!

There's no breaking at this point, as I'd be rear ended. It's us or the lizard. Naturally I chose us. I just start screaming, gripped the steering wheel, and plowed right over the thing. After we feel and hear a slight "bump bump" I quickly look in my rear view mirror.

Kim is screaming "Did you hit it? Did you hit it?" To my amazement the lizard is on the side of the road. It lived! It's tail, however was another story. It was flopping in the middle of the road. If you've ever seen a snake with it's head chopped off and it's body still writhing, then you know what I saw this iguana's tail doing. (We'll discuss how I've seen a snake in that condition another day.)

"It's alive!" I yell, granted the iguana is staring at disbelief at its tail and then at my truck. If it could have given me the middle finger it would have. Now Kim and I are in hysterics. I'm laughing and crying so hard I can't see where I'm going. I was so relieved I didn't kill it but mortified I chopped off its whole tail. Kim is in a similar state telling me she's never seen anyone run over an iguana (apparently she doesn't know me all that well yet). Then we start pondering if iguanas tails grow back once removed. I know the little green lizards grow them back but they're tiny compared to their iguana cousins.

In the midst of my tears Kim dubs me "The Great White Lizard Hunter." A name she has fondly referred to me ever since. I think we laughed for a full hour before the tears subsided. Kim was still in awe that I had run over a lizard. To me it's just an average day with an extraordinary event it. That's my norm, right?