Another one bites the dust!

I worked in Miami that day. This means I was up by 5:30 am and not home until after dark. I get home about 7:30 pm I guess. Per my normal getting home from Miami routine I enter my apartment, kick off my shoes while telling Zach and Stella hello (my cats), go into my room, start getting changed into my PJs; so I can finally relax after a long day. This all goes to plan until I went to walk out of my room.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I screamed at the top of my lungs. It was the biggest lizard I've seen in my apartment. It was in the doorway to my bedroom. When I realized I could have stepped on it when I entered my room I screamed again!

I can handle a lot of things, but lizards are not one of them. They are just snakes with legs.

I'm starting to panic. What do I do? It's not moving! I decide to call my support group at this point. I call Kim (a friend who lives 8.7 miles away) and Jeanne (a friend who lives in Miami). I am pacing back and forth relaying my plight to them. Kim laughs and is of no help. She tells me to just pick it up and throw it outside. Hello?!?! Pick it up???? I shudder at that thought.

Jeanne, a little more helpful suggests I find out if the disgusting thing is dead or alive. This whole time it hasn't moved. I grab the broom and poke it with the handle. Its head moves up! Another scream. Since the lizard hasn't moved Jeanne suggests it is dead. I poke it again. Its head moves up again! At this point, Jeanne and I agree it has to be dead and the head movement is a reflex rigor mortis reaction of sorts.

As she's trying to walk me through how to get the lizard out of my house, I get a bout of hysteria. Jeanne suggests I call a friend who lives near by. This is a man's job! I text my friend John, but he's at work. No help there. I call Kim again who tells me she won't drive over and save me. She's so mean. I told her I'd save her from her biggest fear (cockroaches). Still a no go.

I grab a flashlight and start shining it in the lizard's face. It still doesn't move. Yep, definitely dead. I call Jeanne again, as she's the only helpful person thus far. We devise a plan of me sweeping the lizard onto something and then throwing it away outside. No touching involved.

I find an old calendar that I haven't thrown away. I couldn't tell you why I saved a calendar from 2007. I guess I figured I'd need it one day (go me!). As I go to sweep the Godzilla creature to the calendar it raises from the dead and started RUNNING in my hallway.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zach started chasing it!

NO STOP IT NO AAAAAAAAAAA STOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!

I grab Zach and Stella and throw them into the bathroom. I slam the bedroom door and trap the monster in the hallway with TV trays. I inform Jeanne that the lizard is not dead: We need a new plan. She tells me that she'll come over when she's finished at work but that will take a couple hours, John wouldn't get off for a couple of hours, and Kim still wouldn't help. I was on my own. Me vs lizard. I'm figure this is my Iguana Karma from cutting off the iguana's tail with my truck (read last blog if you missed that story).

Now I have to devise a new plan :( Have I mentioned that I hate lizards? After much contemplating, screaming, crying, and begging for someone to come help me I knew what I had to do.

In my pantry I found Zach's baby litter box. It's about the size of a sheet of paper but with depth of course. I also found an old bathroom rug and packing tape. Again, items I didn't use, but saved for whatever reason.

In my greatest moment of bravery I threw the litter box over the lizard! I got him on the first try only through divine assistance because we all know how good my hand/eye coordination is.

The lizard starts to rustle around under the box causing it to move. I leap into action! I force the litter box down, I slide the calendar under the box to provide a "bottom" to the container. I use packing tape to tape the box edges to the calendar. I then slide the calendar onto the bathroom rug, wrap the rug around the litter box, and packing tape the rug close. Tada! One Christmas present wrapped lizard.

With all my courage I grab the rug wrapped litter box and run out the door of my apartment. We have a row of community garbage cans. I made a bee line for them. I feel the lizard crashing around in my make-shift lizard trap. Ewwww! I open the garbage can, throw in the lizard, and slam the lid shut. I still hear the blasted thing moving around. I ran back into my apartment, collapsed on my couch, and called Jeanne. I'm sweating, panting, and terrified there are more lizards in my place. I tell her that I have captured the lizard and threw it away!

I profusely thank her for her moral support. She's relieved that I survived the horrific ordeal. I call Kim and tell her thanks for nothing. I text John and tell him problem solved. It only took about 2 hours! I search the rest of the apartment and find not more snakes with legs. I finally calm down enough to go to shower and go to bed. All that night I had "A Tall Tale Heart" dreams about lizards in garbage cans.

2 lizards down, about a billion to go!

Overpopulated? Let Chrissy Help!

A few months ago, my friend and I were driving on Dixie Highway down here is South Florida. We were searching for a used furniture store. I had just moved into my new apartment and was hoping to find inexpensive furniture, as I had none.

I was driving my truck and she was in the passenger seat. This section of Dixie is two lanes with the turn lane in the middle. As I was driving I was distracted by something sitting in the turn lane. It took a few moments for my brain to processes that it was an iguana. Iguanas are very overpopulated in South Florida. In fact my county is trying to pass an ordinance in which people who purchase iguanas have to pay a $100 license fee to discourage the whimsical purchase of a lizard. Since it rarely gets below 60 degrees down here, there isn't much that will naturally kill these huge lizards, but I digress.

Okay where was I? Oh yes, I had just determined that the large thing in the middle turn lane was a lizard. It had to be 3 to 4 feet long with its body and tail. I am thinking to myself "I hope this thing doesn't run in front of my truck." Almost simultaneously my friend, Kim, states "Oh look at the pretty lizard." At that instance, the stupid iguana runs out in front of my truck!

There's no breaking at this point, as I'd be rear ended. It's us or the lizard. Naturally I chose us. I just start screaming, gripped the steering wheel, and plowed right over the thing. After we feel and hear a slight "bump bump" I quickly look in my rear view mirror.

Kim is screaming "Did you hit it? Did you hit it?" To my amazement the lizard is on the side of the road. It lived! It's tail, however was another story. It was flopping in the middle of the road. If you've ever seen a snake with it's head chopped off and it's body still writhing, then you know what I saw this iguana's tail doing. (We'll discuss how I've seen a snake in that condition another day.)

"It's alive!" I yell, granted the iguana is staring at disbelief at its tail and then at my truck. If it could have given me the middle finger it would have. Now Kim and I are in hysterics. I'm laughing and crying so hard I can't see where I'm going. I was so relieved I didn't kill it but mortified I chopped off its whole tail. Kim is in a similar state telling me she's never seen anyone run over an iguana (apparently she doesn't know me all that well yet). Then we start pondering if iguanas tails grow back once removed. I know the little green lizards grow them back but they're tiny compared to their iguana cousins.

In the midst of my tears Kim dubs me "The Great White Lizard Hunter." A name she has fondly referred to me ever since. I think we laughed for a full hour before the tears subsided. Kim was still in awe that I had run over a lizard. To me it's just an average day with an extraordinary event it. That's my norm, right?

Birthday Cactus

This is my new pet cactus that I got for my birthday from a coworker. Isn't he too cute!!! I named him Peter (after my old boss).....

Pompano: Dog, Birds, and Foot

Okay, I know I've been neglecting my blog posts lately. I'm a bad bad blogger. I decided it's finally time to write a bit about the fun things I see living in Pompano Beach, FL. So here it is "Pompano: Dog, Birds, and Foot."

Dog: I was riding in the truck with my landlord headed over to Kmart. We were going to find some items to put in my backyard. I was going to pick them out and he was footing the bill. Oh yeah life is good. We're riding in his truck along US1. We both talk a lot and have problems talking over the other. It's gotten so bad that we tend to ignore the other's persistent interruptions until our points are finished. This day he was talking about mulch. I didn't know you can have a thirty minute conversation on mulch, but it is possible. So Jimmy's blabbing on about red mulch, brown mulch, dry mulch, etc. I'm listening but my attention is looking out the window. Passing us on the right is a big fat man (and I mean FAT) riding a little itty bitty mo-ped. I was very impressed this mo-ped was holding him up. In between his legs, on the platform was a dog. This is highly more entertaining than mulch so I try to interrupt Jimmy. I figured he'd enjoy seeing fat man and dog riding mo-ped. "Jimmy look at that!" I'm ignored. I try to get him to stop his mulchy talk and look right. The man seriously does not miss a beat and keeps mulch talking. The fat mad and dog are puttering away. He's going to miss it, so I'm getting peeved now. I keep saying "Jimmy look! Jimmy look!" over and over like an annoying five year old. Once he is finally done making his point about red mulch vs brown mulch he asks what I'm looking at. By this time fat man and dog are gone. I then tell Jim what I saw and he does not believe me. We proceeded to have an argument of how it is "impossible" for a fat man to ride a mo-ped with a dog.

Birds: I live three miles from the ocean. It's awesome to drive five minutes, park the car, and just be a beach bum for the day. A few weekends back, I went to the beach with a good friend of mine here. We got to the beach that day and went through our normal setting up process. She puts on SPF 50; I put on SPF 15. She opens a huge umbrella for shade; I lay out my towel three feet away from her to get away from her shade. She puts on her huge hat (just in case the umbrella missed a spot); I put on my sunglasses. Kim is a little afraid of the sun, needless to say. After we went through our ritual we both start to people watch around us. Mainly there are tourists around, the cutie pie life guards, and other beach going patrons. At this point we both notice a man walking. He has a line of birds walking in front of him, birds sitting on top of him, and a line of birds walking behind him. Kim and I look at each other to verify the other is seeing this and look back at the man. He didn't appear to be feeding the birds, yet they were there in a row. The birds would fly and trade places at times. The front birds would land on the man, the birds on the man would move to the back, and the ones in back would fly to the front. Man and birds were walking down the beach like it was an every day occurrence. I still don't know why those birds liked him so much. Maybe he had crackers in his pockets.

Foot: I live and work off of the same main road. Also on that road is a little out door mall. Sometimes during my lunch break I'll go home to eat or go walk the mall for an hour. A couple weeks ago I went to JC Penneys during my lunch break. They had a sale and I really wanted a sandwich maker with interchangeable parts. I got my small appliance and was in the truck getting ready to leave. I see a man on a mo-ped (yes they are popular down here) coming up behind my truck. Not wanting to hit the man, I wait to see where he parks so i can carefully back out of my parking spot. This is when I notice his left foot is pointing the wrong direction. It's pointing backwards instead of forwards. I decided to watch him get off his mo-ped and walk around. I have never seen someone walk with a backward foot before, so I thought this could be an interesting site. The man parked his mo-ped and turned it off. He then proceeds to pull up his pant leg, take off his prosthetic leg, turn it around, pull his pant leg back down, and get off and walk like a normal person. I couldn't figure out if he purposely pointed his fake leg in the wrong direction or if it just twisted around that way while he was out joyriding on his mo-ped....

What NOT To Eat On Summer Break

As we are reaching the height of summer and neighbor kids are out of school it reminds me of my own summer break days. The sweet freedom of summer was what we started to look forward to from the first day of school. Summer days were filled with sleeping in, watching TV, swimming in Grandmama's pool, eating whenever we wanted, sleep overs, and countless other activies. There were no schedules, tests, homework (well except summer reading), and annoying teachers....just a time of possibilities.....

My mom worked in the mornings so Bryan, Andrew, and I were left with the freedom from parents until noon or so. Translated: We slept until noon or so. When we were up and about while mom was at work we would get to eat what we wanted when we wanted. Ramen Noodles for breakfast was among my favorites.

There was one day that I didn't want Ramen Noodles. I don't remember if this was because we didn't have any or I was tired of them, but for whatever reason I did not eat them that day. I searched through the pantry to find a suitable replacement. Nothing caught my eye. My search then moved to the freezer. No frozen waffles??? What was the world coming to?!? My only other choice was the refrigerator filled with left overs. After sorting through various plastic containers I found a small, unmarked bowl in the back.

I open it up to see what's inside. I sniff. Chicken Salad! JACKPOT! Oh it was in the back because obviously someone didn't want it to get eaten. I hadn't had chicken salad in a while and knew the sandwich would be great. I hurriedly make my sandwich in fear that one of my brothers would wake up and want the "spoils" of my search. Being the courteous person I am, I don't empty the container. I save some for the person who hid the chicken salad in the first place. I figured we can all share, right? I then replaced the bowl in the back where I found it.

I ate my sandwich and enjoyed every bite.

A little while later I spoke to my mom on the phone. She was checking in to see who was awake, who was asleep, and what type of chores had been done. I gave her a daily update. I mentioned that the chicken salad in the fridge was really good. There was a slight pause before she asked me what chicken salad I was talking about. I told her where I found the bowl and what it looked like that contained the chicken salad. There was another pause before she asked me if I ate all of my sandwich. I informed her that I ate it all and really liked it.

There was a longer pause this time......

My mother then explains that we didn't have any chicken salad in the refrigerator. We did, however, have some really old tuna salad that she had been meaning to throw away for a couple weeks now that was in the very container I described! Her immediate question was how did I feel??? Besides being a little put off that the "spoils of my search" were in fact spoils I felt just fine.

Lessons Learned: What NOT to eat while on summer break. Don't eat anything in the very back of the refrigerator. It's probably old, not a hidden treasure.

OR

Need your refrigerator cleaned out? Call Chrissy!

To Orange Park and Back

During one of my trips home to Jacksonville it was decided that my mother, grandmother, and I would go to the Orange Park Mall. Okay, we always go shopping when I visit, I know! This time was a little on the abnormal side.

While on I295 headed to the mall, we drive past several fields. In one of them I see a dead cow. I mean "rigor mortis" dead cow. I'm talking about this cow lying on his back, feet sticking straight in the air dead cow. I promptly bring this to every one's attention. To my dismay no one else saw it! I was very disappointed that I was the only vehicle occupant to see this cow. This did ensue into a conversation of how I see strange things that most people don't get to witness (ie: Horse in bathroom, alligator eating bird). As we arrive to our destination, the dead cow was quickly replaced in our minds with Clearance Racks.

We went to a few other places that day and drove back home via the back roads. We were only a few turns away from the house when we were stopped at a red light. This very old, very beat up truck was coming towards us in the lane going the opposite direction. It looked like this man had every single one of his possessions in this clunker of a truck.

The truck wasn't moving very quickly as the driver had just turned onto the road. All of the sudden the driver leaps out of the truck! The truck is still, moving mind, you as the man rips off his t-shirt and loses a shoe during his dauntless exit. It isn't until he's running beside his truck smacking the hood with his t-shirt that we realize his truck is actually on fire. Smoke and flames are shooting out of the hood.

The light turns green. We drive quickly away so we don't explode along with this refuse of a truck. I state to my mother and grandmother: "You only got to see this because I am in the car."

I can still hear their laughter.....

25 Cent Toy Machines

As kids we all love the machines that you can put a quater in and get something back! Since we don't have our own money we beg and beg for 25 cents from our parents. You might get candy, rings, stickers, tatoos, or any other form of a cheap surprise. All of this wonderment for just a quarter!

Why do I describe this childhood (well I still like those machines lol) delight? To tell you that there is one quarter machine my mother wished that she never gave my brother a quareter for. One day my brother got a plastic cockroach from a quarter machine. I guess Floridians find plastic cockroaches amusing since we're riddled with live ones . At any rate, he got this cockroach and left it in the container in our van. It proceeded to stay in the van for a long enough period of time that the whole family forgot it was there.

One sunny afternoon my mom was driving her and I home from some place or another. I was sitting in the passanger seat next to her talking. While we were talking I noticed one of the 25 cent machine containers. I discovered our plastic cockroach! This was the point I turned into Evil Chrissy. She only comes out when inspired and boy was I inspired.

My mother hates bugs: big bugs, little bugs, long bugs, short bugs, and espcially cockroach bugs! While speaking to her and distracting her, Evil Chrissy secretly takes out the plastic cockroach and stealthly puts in on her lap. I then proceed to point and scream....

"OH MY GOD A COCKROACH!"

My mommie looks down (while driving mind you) and screams louder than I've ever heard her scream. Her hands are in the air off of the steering wheel. At this point we are driving over the little bridge before turning into our subdivision and the van is swerving to the edge.

I DIED LAUGHING.

Through my laughter she realizes it's the toy and regains control of the van. Much to my surprise and dismay she did not give me the much deserved slap upside the head. I think she was too relieved that it wasn't a real cockroach. Now that I think of it, I'm surprised she didn't have a heart attack. I quickly turned back into Good Chrissy and continued laughing.

Of course now that my Magnificant Mommie reads this she probably will hit me in hindsight. When you see me again I'll show you my bruise. Just be warned, always keep track of what your kids buy from those "harmless" 25 cent toy machines.